This is anonymous because of the sensitive detail it goes into- it’s also in 3 parts because it’s a long story- I figured you’d have some good advice to give me, since you seem pretty good at good advice (among other things). One of my close friends lives with her bf and they have been living together for about 18 months now. Her bf is “nice” (sort-of) but he has sexual dysfunction disorder because of medication he takes, so my friend and he rarely have sex or do sex-related things…
This is a problem because she is a sexual person and finds he does not give her the sexual attention she wants. They’ve spoken about it numerous times but nothing has ever improved. Over the last 6 months she’s been “going behind” his back, and having sex/dates with other people.. I feel conflicted because I ~know~ it’s dishonest to her bf but she seems happier (at least temporarily) when she comes back from a “date’ with a guy/girl. She tells me her bf ignores her and she feels lonely often,
I worry for her because she is my friend and deserves to be happy ALL the time. When she expresses her discontentment to me I want to tell her that he’ll change and things will improve but I know they probably won’t. I don’t want to intervene because it’s none of my business … what should I do?
So this has a lot of facets to it, so I will try and make sure to touch on everything. I would like to preface this all by saying, I do not know the girl in question, or the boyfriend, and so all my assumptions and thoughts on the matter come purely from what is in the message, and should I have misunderstood the situation (being so outside of the matter) I apologize and am open to hearing any more details and addressing them.
1. SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION - You mentioned that his medication is causing it, and something tells me there aren’t other medications that would not have this result otherwise he would probably want to be on it. It’s great that they are open and talk about it a lot, but having the same conversation 40 times won’t change that, while the problem is no one’s fault, there is indeed a problem.
2. CHEATING - Based on what you’ve said, she is flat out cheating and being shady. She may be happy, but imagine how emotionally crushing it will be when he finds out? (And it always eventually comes out). She deserves to be happy, BUT SO DOES HE. Cheating is 100% selfish, vile, and repulsive. There is no excuse for it. People have their “reasons”, but there is no “excuse”. If it was a mutually agreed upon thing that she could seek sex elsewhere and he was ok with that, that would be different. What you’ve described is someone who is being underhanded, lying, and selfish. Sure she’s happy, but she’s not the only one who deserves happiness.
3. HER BF IGNORES HER - then why is she with him? Maybe he is a bit of a jerk. Maybe whatever the meds are for are mood related and affect how he acts towards others. Maybe he ignores her because the affections she used to lavish on him are being shared with others now. I can seriously bet that now that she is “getting her fix” that she isn’t still trying with him (at least not to the same degree). People aren’t stupid, and he’s probably noticed this shift and is responding accordingly. Less attention towards him = less attention towards her. If I felt someone was “cooling off” towards me, I wouldn’t feel inclined to continue showing them the attention I used to.
4. WILL THINGS CHANGE? - there is no telling. The fact of the matter is, clearly there is a reason he has meds, and while they have a side effect, it’s obvious that the result of NOT taking them is far worse than not being as sexual as your friend wants. Not everyone is as sexual as everyone else, and when you toss meds into the mix, it can expand the divide even more. It is 100% fine to be highly sexual and want to have sex frequently/with multiple consenting partners (assuming it’s not in a hurtful/cheating way) but if she truly isn’t happy, and is already cheating, her foot isn’t just out the door… she’s down the block.
5. WHAT DO I DO? - Well it’s a tough spot. Do you tell the bf? Have a chat with the friend? Risk losing the friend by voicing your opinions on her behaviour? It could get a touch messy to be honest. I think in this case, it would be best to have a private IN PERSON conversation with her, where you express your feelings, make suggestions, and most of all be willing to listen and try and work through this together (if she is open to this). There is a chance she may not want to discuss it, or that she may be upset about it, but she might also be glad to be able to get it all off her chest and have a close friend discuss it candidly with her. Plus, if it is bothering you this much, I think it’s important to open a dialogue on the matter.
TLDR- consider having a talk with your friend and expressing your feelings on the matter, but do not become overly invasive. In the long run, it isn’t your issue, unless she asks for advice etc.
Your friend needs to stop stringing this guy along. He is (unfortunately) unable to provide the sexual attention she needs, and while she has every right to be happy, so does he. She needs to stop cheating, and just break things off. She can pursue her needs, and he can find someone who perhaps meshes with him on a different level that works with/around the effects of the medication.
Continuing in this manner really is just going to hurt both parties even more in the long run considering that the trust and honesty is already out the window.
**I hope this helps. Please feel free to write back, and if I have misinterpreted any aspect of this situation, I apologize in advance and am open to discuss it more if needed.**
